I know. I love you, too, and none of it would even matter if we weren't here. But we are, and it's something I should be helping you with. I don't know. It's not awful, I guess. I can do more of it if it would make you happy? I liked seeing you smile when we were doing the painting thing. That was nice.
I did like that. I liked seeing you lose control a bit, and know it was something I'd done. But I don't want that if you hate it. I want you to feel good if we do things, not just suffer through it.
I don't know. It's hard to tell if I like it or not when there's usually aphrodisiacs. The only other times I've lost control like that without them have been rather... Fraught experiences.
It's all just a lot at once, difficult to process. Maybe that's the point? I feel best when I don't end up having to think much. But it's hard to let go of thinking. I'm sorry, Martin. This isn't helpful.
Maybe. Someone magicked himself into my cell to get rid of the spiders. I think that might help with sleeping, so I can stop bothering you. I told him I'd be his slave for a week for the favor. So, I'll have to deal with that in the next while. Just so you're aware.
I don't know! He has a hanging swing in room he had me stay in last time. I liked using it while I was reading.
[He'd sort of enjoyed being ordered around and lightly teased and disciplined, as well, but Jon doesn't know how to articulate that without it sounding peculiar.]
I can't take it back now. He's a changeling. It was a pledge, and he'll have to retaliate if I break my promise.
I'm not wasting money on a swing, Martin. Don't be ridiculous.
[Unless Martin wanted a swing... Jon could justify that to himself much more easily.]
And he's not intimidating me. If anything, he has more reason to be afraid of me than I do of him. If you're really that worried, you can talk to him about it. His name is Jamie, and he goes by 'flower' on the network.
[Jon doesn't respond to the swing comment. It feels far too self-indulgent to purchase something like that. He might not be struggling now, but things in Duplicity are rarely stable.]
You know better than most people what it's like for my victims. How destructive constant nightmares can be. 'Too much' is never going to be enough.
You shouldn't have to worry about whether someone is going to listen when you tell them you don't want to be touched, but I suppose that's even less of a guarantee here.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2021-05-09 11:49 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-05-10 12:52 am (UTC)You do have to make quota, and I know I'm not much use for it.
Sorry.
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Date: 2021-05-11 10:14 pm (UTC)You know it's not- I love you. And not being into sex doesn't change that. You know that, right?
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Date: 2021-05-11 10:20 pm (UTC)I love you, too, and none of it would even matter if we weren't here.
But we are, and it's something I should be helping you with.
I don't know.
It's not awful, I guess.
I can do more of it if it would make you happy?
I liked seeing you smile when we were doing the painting thing.
That was nice.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-13 08:48 pm (UTC)I did like that. I liked seeing you lose control a bit, and know it was something I'd done. But I don't want that if you hate it. I want you to feel good if we do things, not just suffer through it.
cw: reference to aphro, dubcon, and noncon
Date: 2021-05-13 09:04 pm (UTC)It's hard to tell if I like it or not when there's usually aphrodisiacs.
The only other times I've lost control like that without them have been rather...
Fraught experiences.
It's all just a lot at once, difficult to process.
Maybe that's the point?
I feel best when I don't end up having to think much.
But it's hard to let go of thinking.
I'm sorry, Martin.
This isn't helpful.
Re: cw: reference to aphro, dubcon, and noncon
Date: 2021-05-14 06:08 pm (UTC)Maybe when you aren't in a prison cell.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-14 06:15 pm (UTC)Maybe.
Someone magicked himself into my cell to get rid of the spiders.
I think that might help with sleeping, so I can stop bothering you.
I told him I'd be his slave for a week for the favor.
So, I'll have to deal with that in the next while.
Just so you're aware.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-14 06:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-05-14 06:27 pm (UTC)He just wants someone to cook and clean for him.
We've done this before.
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Date: 2021-05-14 06:55 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2021-05-14 06:59 pm (UTC)And he's one of my victims, Martin.
I had to give him something.
I was the one who suggested it.
I'll be fine.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-15 12:56 pm (UTC)Why would you suggest that?!
no subject
Date: 2021-05-15 01:45 pm (UTC)He has a hanging swing in room he had me stay in last time.
I liked using it while I was reading.
[He'd sort of enjoyed being ordered around and lightly teased and disciplined, as well, but Jon doesn't know how to articulate that without it sounding peculiar.]
I can't take it back now.
He's a changeling.
It was a pledge, and he'll have to retaliate if I break my promise.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-15 02:18 pm (UTC)Are you sure he's not just saying that to intimidate you into agreeing to things like this?
no subject
Date: 2021-05-15 03:41 pm (UTC)Don't be ridiculous.
[Unless Martin wanted a swing... Jon could justify that to himself much more easily.]
And he's not intimidating me.
If anything, he has more reason to be afraid of me than I do of him.
If you're really that worried, you can talk to him about it.
His name is Jamie, and he goes by 'flower' on the network.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-18 02:34 pm (UTC)[Jon is allowed to have things he likes.]
Maybe I will. Talk to him I mean.
And you're too- you take too much on your own shoulders.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-18 03:12 pm (UTC)You know better than most people what it's like for my victims.
How destructive constant nightmares can be.
'Too much' is never going to be enough.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-20 11:58 am (UTC)I know, I know what happens. But it doesn't mean that you have to constantly put yourself through hell to stone for things.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-20 01:43 pm (UTC)Providing someone a service in return for a service isn't putting myself through hell.
It's just being responsible.
[Like he's supposed to be.]
The worst he might make me do is show him my underwear.
He doesn't do anything about it if I tell him not to touch me, though.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-24 12:17 am (UTC)You shouldn't have to worry about whether someone is going to listen when you tell them you don't want to be touched, but I suppose that's even less of a guarantee here.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-24 02:51 am (UTC)Jamie isn't like that.
He doesn't force me to do things, just helps if I'm being affected by something and ask him for it.
I worry about you, too, you know?
What the city's going to do to you.
The way it forced you into that marriage with Elias...
no subject
Date: 2021-05-26 10:34 pm (UTC)[He just doesn't always trust Jon to not do things he abhors out of a sense of duty or guilt.]
It wasn't great, but I got out of it okay, didn't I?
no subject
Date: 2021-05-27 12:07 am (UTC)We never really talked about what he might have done to you, Martin.
no subject
Date: 2021-05-27 11:41 pm (UTC)It wasn't the best few days of my life, but I've dealt with worse.
He didn't turn into thousands of worms and I didn't find any corpses.
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