Duplicity Inbox

[domainless]

Martin is away from the phone right now. Pleas leave a message and he'll get back to you.

Comments

[domainless]

Jon... hey...

Do you want to talk about this in person? Or is text easier?

I think he should have all the details and probably talk to- to someone else in this situation. And also I need you and him think about how doing this would make you feel. What if he decides actually it's awful?

[compellingstatement]

[The mature thing would be to talk in-person. Jon doesn't feel like being particularly mature right now, but he knows it's the right thing to do, as well. He just needs to keep it together. He can do that.]

I'm in the archives.

How I might feel about it is irrelevant.
He's the one who's going to be suffering.

[domainless]

I'll come down there.

And it still isn't fair to use someone else to self-harm.

[And he does, as quickly as he can, bringing Jon a cup of tea and a biscuit because he probably needs it by now.]

[compellingstatement]

[Jon doesn't bother replying, just waits for Martin to get there. He reads and re-reads his text exchange with Chris in the intervening time, chewing on a pen hard enough that his teeth start to hurt.

Self-harm using other people. Peter had said something similar to him, hadn't he? That he didn't want Jon hurting himself with other people. It's frustrating when both his boyfriends make the same point at him in different contexts. That makes it harder to dismiss.

He looks up whenever Martin arrives, a faint smile touching his lips at the offerings.]

I'm not sure biscuits are going to make this any easier, Martin.

[domainless]

[Martin smiles back at sets the cup down.]

Maybe, maybe not. But you've probably not eaten enough today so... biscuits.

[compellingstatement]

[He huffs quietly and picks one up.]

People are... confusing here. Even more confusing than home. They're too quick to forgive. Most of them are horrifically traumatized in some way completely divorced from the Powers, but still supernatural.

[He shakes his head.]

I've only had a handful of people react like they ought to, to... me.

[domainless]

[It makes him so sad, to hear Jon talking like this, like he's someone who everyone should just shun as a matter of course.]

Jon... you're not- you're not an awful person. And you aren't responsible for everyone who's been hurt by the supernatural, especially not here.

[compellingstatement]

I know. [Well, debatable, but not the point of this particular discussion.] That's not- I mean, I've fed on some of them and they still keep coming back to me. They're... sympathetic. Some have asked me to make the dreams worse for them. Or given me a Statement as some sort of-of bizarre punishment.

That's weird, right?

[domainless]

[Martin gives him a look.]

Jon, how many times have you put yourself through awful things because you thought you deserved it?

[compellingstatement]

I don't put myself through things because I think I deserve them.

[The protest is accompanied by a scowl.]

It's to a purpose.

[The purposes are just... a bit flimsy sometimes.]

[domainless]

[Martin gives him a look. He knows Jon. He knows what Jon does. He hadn't been as absent as perhaps everyone thought when he was working with Peter.]

And I bet everyone who wants you to make it worse here also has a 'purpose'.

[compellingstatement]

[Jon just clicks his tongue and looks away, grabbing up the tea to drink. He doesn't have a good argument for that straight off and it's frustrating.]

So, you think I should do this for Chris, then? He has a purpose.

[domainless]

No! I still think it's using you to self harm and I don't think that's healthy.

I don't think it's healthy when you put yourself through terrible things either. After- you would listen to some tapes in the safe house. Over and over again, even if it hurt you.

[compellingstatement]

Maybe they were things I needed to hear.

[The words are sharp, much sharper than they need to be or should. Jon takes a deep breath and breathes out through his nose.]

I'm sorry. That was- I'm just... frustrated. I'll tell Chris no for now. Not until he's thought about it more and talked to a few people.

[domainless]

No. You were just punishing yourself, Jon.

I know you are. It sounds frustrating. I just... I know it will make you feel better for a while. But afterwards? God Jon you hate yourself for doing this stuff.

[compellingstatement]

[Jon huffs a humorless laugh.]

Yes, I suppose I do.

[But saying no once is never going to change that, is it? You can't just erase all the bad by being a good. The scales can't ever be balanced. Not with what's weighing one side down.]

Thank you for being... here.

[domainless]

[Maybe not. Maybe things can't ever go back to normal, to right. But he can still stop Jon from digging a deeper hole of self-hatred.]

Nowhere else I'd rather be.

I mean, not here here. But with you.

[compellingstatement]

[Jon tuts softly and sets his tea down before reaching out for Martin.]

Come here.

[And if he comes, Martin will find Jon pulling him down into his lap so that he can give the other man a proper snog. He's not going to last long with Martin in his lap. But for a little bit? Well, he's the boss. No one to say he can't take a few minutes to kiss his boyfriend at work.]

[domainless]

[Martin smiles at him and lets Jon pull him into his lap. He gives a soft laugh that's quickly cut off by the kiss. It's lovely. He loves Jon, getting to be close to him is the best place in the world.]