[The words are harsh, brittle, as Jon twists his fingers in his hair to the point of pain. He regrets the outburst, but doesn't know how to take it back. He just breathes through his nose for several seconds.]
I'm the one with- I have the power. It's my responsibility to control it. Maybe-maybe Duplicity took away control for some of them. They didn't for Charlotte. This was me. This was entirely me.
I didn't say it was enough! I just meant... people can be hurt, but still understand that you're sorry. Maybe people can acknowledge that but still be... friends. Or at least friendly.
[He's silent for a minute. Part of him wants to say of course not, Daisy had been awful but...]
We talked a few times, while you were in Norway. She didn't want to be alone. She'd check in on me. She explained a few things about- about you actually.
I just wasn't really in a position to- I was in the middle of trying to kill every emotion and connection I'd ever had so...
[It's not that he forgets what Martin went through. But it does, sometimes, lose focus in his mind. Jon is quiet again for a long while. He can't discount Martin's side of things without belittling the horror he'd gone through. Jon had been able to turn to other people. Martin had had... himself. And Peter Lukas, when the man had deigned to turn up.
Slowly, Jon loosens his grip and lets his hands fall from his hair into his lap.]
It... doesn't matter. I'm sorry. I still need to fix this. I can't... this isn't one I can just let stand.
[A part of him wants so badly to crumple, to press himself to Martin and just let himself be held for a while.
Jon stays where he is.]
A good person wouldn't have done it in the first place.
[He's not going to let that go. Feeling guilty about it after doesn't actually change what he'd done, after all.]
I should... I need to do some research. Check through the network for any other options apart from an employment contract. You should talk to her, if you can. I told her it might be for the best. You know more about... everything than Tim or Sasha.
[The touch is a reminder of why he's so in love with this man. It's not something he's afraid of, even if he doesn't think he particularly deserves it. And that's something.]
I don't know. That's why I'm going to look. There are people from different worlds here with different powers, different... higher powers. Maybe there's something.
[There's a part of him that knows Martin is being manipulative now. That he's digging in the screws on Jon's guilt to keep him reined in, to stop him from going too far. He's too exhausted to fight it.]
You're the most important person in my life, Martin.
[His words are quiet, defeated, before he stands up and moves to his desk to turn on his laptop and start working.]
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-04-11 11:05 pm (UTC)[The words are harsh, brittle, as Jon twists his fingers in his hair to the point of pain. He regrets the outburst, but doesn't know how to take it back. He just breathes through his nose for several seconds.]
I'm the one with- I have the power. It's my responsibility to control it. Maybe-maybe Duplicity took away control for some of them. They didn't for Charlotte. This was me. This was entirely me.
no subject
Date: 2022-04-15 05:04 pm (UTC)Like you were with Daisy.
no subject
Date: 2022-04-17 03:46 pm (UTC)Did you ever understand her? Did you ever feel like you could be friendly with her?
no subject
Date: 2022-04-17 03:58 pm (UTC)We talked a few times, while you were in Norway. She didn't want to be alone. She'd check in on me. She explained a few things about- about you actually.
I just wasn't really in a position to- I was in the middle of trying to kill every emotion and connection I'd ever had so...
no subject
Date: 2022-04-17 04:45 pm (UTC)Slowly, Jon loosens his grip and lets his hands fall from his hair into his lap.]
It... doesn't matter. I'm sorry. I still need to fix this. I can't... this isn't one I can just let stand.
no subject
Date: 2022-04-21 12:00 am (UTC)I know. You know, that's part of how I know you're a good person, even if you don't believe it.
A bad person, an evil person, wouldn't care.
no subject
Date: 2022-04-21 05:58 pm (UTC)Jon stays where he is.]
A good person wouldn't have done it in the first place.
[He's not going to let that go. Feeling guilty about it after doesn't actually change what he'd done, after all.]
I should... I need to do some research. Check through the network for any other options apart from an employment contract. You should talk to her, if you can. I told her it might be for the best. You know more about... everything than Tim or Sasha.
no subject
Date: 2022-04-24 03:00 pm (UTC)Are there options here? I can't imagine anything in this place is going to be as easy as that. You know what it's like.
[Horrible prices that he knows Jon will torture himself with.]
no subject
Date: 2022-04-24 11:02 pm (UTC)I don't know. That's why I'm going to look. There are people from different worlds here with different powers, different... higher powers. Maybe there's something.
no subject
Date: 2022-04-27 11:52 pm (UTC)But don't do anything stupid, alright? I know you want to help people but don't- don't die, okay? You don't have to traumatise yourself.
no subject
Date: 2022-04-28 05:08 am (UTC)[He can't stay dead for long here, anyway.]
I promise.
[Jon says nothing about traumatizing himself.]
no subject
Date: 2022-05-01 05:22 pm (UTC)Thank you. I don't- it hurts me when you're suffering. And I know I'm not that important but... I just want you to be safe.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-02 02:41 am (UTC)You're the most important person in my life, Martin.
[His words are quiet, defeated, before he stands up and moves to his desk to turn on his laptop and start working.]
no subject
Date: 2022-05-03 06:14 pm (UTC)He sighs softly.]
I love you.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-03 07:45 pm (UTC)Love you.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-08 12:39 am (UTC)[Because Jon always seems to hate it.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-08 04:22 am (UTC)I need to work on this, Martin.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-10 02:06 pm (UTC)